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  • 2014 Christmas

    This was our second Christmas but it felt like our first. She was more of a little mush pile for our first Christmas. I could see the magic in her eyes this time around. She walked around the parameter of the tree tugging at the bulbs and poking the tree's hairs. My little sister, Caroline, is nine years old and still believes in Santa. This innocence especially radiates on Christmas morning, the cookies half eaten and unwrapped presents littering the living room paints the perfect scene for Santa Claus. 

    I'm still figuring out how we'll work our family's traditions. We will likely spend Christmas in Los Angeles every year, so what does this mean for babe? Maybe an early Christmas at home the night before we leave for Los Angeles. 

  • Lila's First Birthday

    Surrounded by friends and family, we celebrated our babe's first year earthside. I had a full house, friends from out of town came in with their babes to celebrate. My mama and sister also joined us with my nephew who's only a few days older than Lila. My house was a sweaty mess with babes jumping all over each other and sun drenching my living room with heat. This meant lots of sippy cup sharing and mimosa drinking.

    We definetly felt the love. We had way too good of a time to stop and take photos so luckily, Allissa had her camera and captured some sweet moments.  I'm usually really good about taking pictures but I was so all over the place with Lila I didn't even think about it. So, thanks everyone for the collaboration of picture taking.

  • Lila Lune's Birthstory

    Lila is one today so I thought I'd get my birthstory out in words.

    In February 2013 I found out I was pregnant, we had just arrived home from Cuba. Jocelyn and I were semi-living together in Oakland but I still held onto my San Francisco place, renting it out via Airbnb. On October 13, 2013 I finished moving myself out of my bachelorette pad. At 37 weeks pregnant exactly, I walked up and down those 40 steep stairs carrying bags filled with souvenirs from my past.  After saying bye to my little lonely nook on the hill I joined my friends for a BBQ. The entire time I complained, I made sure everyone knew I was exactly 37 weeks pregnant and Lila could come at any time. I talked to my huge belly, telling her to please please relieve me of this discomfort as soon as possible.  I couldn't see my feet anymore and the nights were unbearable,  I resorted to sleeping sitting up.  Pregnancy did not look good on me. I literally gained 60 pounds and had weird rashes all over my body. Although I planned a home birth we were scheduled for a doctors appointment the next day. Lila was breech and we were going to talk about my choices for her birth which likely wouldn't include me at home. I continued to burn the moxa sticks and practice my inversions in hopes that she would turn before our appointment.  We would have likely scheduled a c-section at 39 weeks and I was afraid my baby wouldn't be able to come on her own terms. I didn't want her to feel intruded on. Fortunately, that night when I arrived home from the BBQ Jocelyn asked me if I wanted to go out to eat and I opted for take out, glad I did.

    With a mouth full of Chinese food, at around 8pm I felt a pop. My brother in law was sitting at the table with us. I think he was horrified. A waterfall followed me wherever I went.  We called my midwife, Amrit, as I stood in the shower crying. She said we had to go to the hospital. I wasn't crying in fear of my birth or the obvious unknown but instead because I knew I'd be having this baby at the hospital. She still wasn't head down and Amrit didn't want to perform a breech home birth since this would be my first baby. I didn't have a hospital bag ready, I scurried around grabbing things I knew would make me feel comfortable. I slipped in my water all over the hardwood floors. THUD. I slipped and hurt my knee pretty badly. Jocelyn helped me up and insisted we just get going, he didn't think I needed mascara or moisturizer as much as I thought I did. 

    We drove across the Bay Bridge to UCSF. My contractions started as soon as we got in the car. They were waves of intense back pain. "Jos, we need to get there, seriously." I'd squeeze my eyes tight and clench my teeth in pain. My body was starting to work. Lila had answered my pleas to come at 37 weeks and here we were. The pain would pass and the urgency of needing to get to the hospital would go away. I was so afraid of being cut open it was all I could think about. I had planned for a natural home birth and had prepared myself completely. I'd never been through surgery and the idea of a knife to my abdomen was horrifying. 

    At around 9:00pm we got to UCSF, the waterfall between my legs still going strong, I wobbled through elevators clutching onto Jocelyn as each contraction hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so uncomfortable under those bright florescent lights. I wasn't ready for this. I used the bathroom and there was toilet paper all over the floor and a huge yellow caution wet floor cone. I wanted to be home, in my bathroom, under my lights and I hated that yellow cone. Amrit was there, waiting for us with a huge smile on her face. The nurses checked me, I had dilated to 5 cm within an hour of my water breaking and was well on my way to 6. My labor was coming on fast. I started to feel a huge weight drop. I knew she was coming. The nurses had to give me Terbutaline to slow my labor entirely. The docs congregated and agreed we would try for a breech birth. UCSF is one of the only hospitals in the country to regularly perform them. I was so relieved. I was thankful to be able to feel my contractions and to know my baby was coming on her own terms. She would choose her birthday.

    We had to prepare for an emergency c-section if it came to that so I was given an epidural. I hated the feeling. My legs went limp and I felt cold. I could still feel the contractions in the left side of my back, a part of me wanted to feel them fully. Jocelyn and I sat there, unable to sleep. We waited for Lila to fight through the Terbutaline and make it to the birth canal. At about 4am The nurse came in and felt Lila's little toes. The docs came into the room and told us the baby's foot had dropped down and it would be impossible to perform a vaginal birth as she was now a footling breech. We were headed to the OR. I was terrified.  Jocelyn waited outside until I was prepped. It was taking forever. The epidural still wasn't kicking in on my left side. The doc would run the blade over my abdomen asking if I felt anything. YES! I begged them to just put me to sleep, I was terrified I would feel something. The medicine wasn't making it to my nerves, it took over an hour to position the needle until I was completely numb. Jocelyn was scrubbed up and by my side once we started. I felt them tugging and pulling, it felt like forever. Jocelyn peeked over the curtain, "Don't look!" I was afraid he would never be able to look at me the same way. She was out! "Is she okay? What does she look like? Why isn't she crying!?" And bam! At 5:15am I heard my baby's cries for the first time. All of the discomfort went away, I just wanted my baby. She was all bundled up and Jocelyn laid her on my chest.  I didn't want to let go, there she was my perfect baby. When a baby is born via c-section they have to take them away to the NICU to check vitals etc. I wanted Jocelyn to go with her and Amrit to make sure she didn't have a bath or any sort of petroleum jelly in her eyes. 
    They had to sew me up. They counted their tools, making sure not to leave any inside of me. My doula sat with me while Jocelyn and Amrit were with Lila. And BAM she hit the floor. Yes, my doula fainted in the OR room. I think I was a pretty good sport about it, despite being terrified. I was finally wheeled back into the recovery room where Lila was waiting for me. Amrit wasted no time and promptly placed her on my breast and just as quickly Lila latched on and snuggled right up to me. It was at that moment I became a mother. The oxytocin flowed through my veins and that rush kept me wide awake for the next two days, all I wanted to do was feed my baby. I've never felt so close to my primal instincts.

    After Delivery


    We stayed in the hospital for 7 days! Lila ended up under the blue lights on account of a mild case of Jaundice. I stayed with her, breast feeding throughout the night and dreaming of what it would be like to snuggle her up in our bed. The c-section recovery was rough and it made holding Lila very difficult. I was frustrated. I couldn't pick my baby up without the aches and pains of my stitched up abdomen. The first time you get up to walk is the hardest but the most important.  
    The time finally came to take her home. After hours of baby-gazing and getting to know each other the time had finally come! All of the fear melted away and it felt as though I'd just received the most precious gift.  I learn more and more about you everyday my sweet baby. I love you. 

  • Mothers Mask

    Sometimes I spend too much time trying to take selfies with my baby. She's not really into it. And most of the time, I'm not really into it unless I'm wearing some powder. I've been breastfeeding for almost a year which means these pregnancy hormones have been sticking around causing this annoying Melasma. The whole situation behind this Melasma story is kind of interesting. It's what causes your nipples to turn that dark brown color while your pregnant so your newborn baby can find them. But. Let me tell you. My baby no longer needs help finding my nipples, she's pretty much mastered it. So, I ask you - WHY ARE YOU STILL HANGIN AROUND MELASMA?! 

    It looks like I have a serious mustache above my lip. If anyone has a cure for this mother's mask dilemma I'm facing, please let me know. I wear sunscreen every day and get at least two facials a month. 

  • Stay At Home Working Mom - Impossible?

    I used to cringe at the thought of being a stay at home mom. I'd probably swear up and down you would never find me in a kitchen, barefoot and with a baby on my hip. I like to stay very busy while making tiny waves in my field. I love the feeling of finishing a project and working with a team. Outside of my kitchen of course. Where am I? In my kitchen, barefoot with my baby on my hip.

    Working from home was a lot easier until Lila started to crawl. The immobility thing was really working out in my favor. She was an amazing newborn, she'd eat, sleep, poop and sleep some more. Working from home wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. That was until she started crawling. She's so fast, I'll turn my head for one second and before you know it her little finger will be exploring the nearest plug outlet. At the end of the day, I'm so thankful to be able to stay home with my baby and witness all of her firsts and I'll continue to stay home with her until she goes to school.

    I was raised by nannies while my parents worked and although they were able to create a very cushy life for us - I will admit - I missed my mama being around and I don't think I would have gotten into half the trouble I did if I had a stay at home parent. That being said, am I still working? Yes. Is it nearly impossible? Yes. Am I in the process of hiring a nanny? Yes.

    I can't see myself settling into this barefoot and in the kitchen gig for too long and I think I'll be happier being able to still work on projects while having a hand around the house. I'll be home while Lila and said nanny hang out for a few hours. And I'll continue building a resume to fall back on when Lila starts school. This whole adventure keeps evolving and as much as I'd like to stop time and keep my baby tiny for as long as possible, I'm so curious about our future. 

  • 25

    Not in a million years would I have guessed I'd be where I am today. I'm actually really relieved to be over with my floaty early 20s. A lot has happened between 17 and 25. I've gone off a few deep ends and came back to tell the tale. I've lost a few friends, made new friends, lived in NY, worked at Vice, traveled to Africa, worked on a tv show, made a million and one bad choices, written a few scripts, spent a few days in a looney bin, shaved my head, moved to SF, graduated college, met Jocelyn, had a baby and now I'm here - with a few other moments in between. I wouldn't change any of it but most of all I'm thankful I've had the chance to travel solo. I think it's the thing that saved me from me. Out on the road on your own with no one else but yourself to deal with. These last three or so years have been really huge for me, I finally feel ok with myself. A few things I'm still learning..

    //Surround Yourself with Smart and Positive People 
    Hanging out with smart people makes you smarter because they challenge you. It helps if they are positive so not to just argue for the sake of it but to discuss and learn together. A lot of the time, smart people are funnier and that's enough of a reason to hang with those book worms. 
    //Today Creates Your Tomorrow
    Whatever choices you make today will influence your tomorrow. We don't find ourselves, we create ourselves. I've stopped waiting around for good things to happen to me. A good day is a day spent working towards a better tomorrow. 
    //We're All Unique 
    Growing up in LA I was surrounded by women getting breast implants or going on excessive juice cleanses. I thought I'd never be as pretty, skinny, funny or whatever it was as my neighbor but as soon as I could slow down and appreciate myself I could see the uniqueness in everyone around me. We spend so much time comparing ourselves to other people, we get lost and fail to see the beauty in each other's differences. And honestly, who wants to be like everyone else anyways? 
    //Always Give it Your All
    Whether a business idea, friendship, relationship or whatever. It's so easy to half ass things and lose sight of why you began to pour your heart into it in the first place. If you felt that fire in the beginning, there's something there - don't stop. 
    //To Each His Own
    It's so easy to pick up that jug of Hateraid and start judging. It's not as easy to sit back and agree to disagree. We've all had our own experiences and if someone else is stupid it's not your problem. 
    //Hamburgers Are Really Good
    I hadn't had a hamburger in 12 years. I'm a happier person now that I eat hamburgers. 
    //Travel and Keep A Journal
    Traveling will shatter every illusion you have of the world and give you a sense of community. I've learned more about myself and others through travel. Whether it's a photo journal or a written journal, you should always document your time spent traveling because you will forget the most important pieces.
    //True Friends Are Always There
    True friends are the ones you feel unbounded with, you can be your complete self around them. You’ll know because it feels genuine. Staying connected is effortless. Friends will always come and go. The real ones will stay. And the real ones are the people you grow with, the ones who help keep you grounded and who will help you reach your potential.
    //Green Smoothies
    I have one everyday. It's the easiest way to feel healthy and eat a ridiculous amount of fruit and veges without trying too hard. 
    //Learning To Love To Learn
    Once I felt a passion for learning it became easier to focus.
    //Always Go With Your Gut
    Seriously. Never doubt a gut feeling. I've doubted myself way too many times and it seems like I still haven't learned to trust those feelings. After having Lila, it's become easier but definitely not as in tune as I want to be. 

    A few photos from the celebration of my day of birth. Spent with friends and family on a weekday. There's nothing better. xo
  • Lazlo the Bengal

    We are madly in love with our new kitty. Long story short. Jocelyn had a Bengal before I came along, he's a cat guy. Cats love him. I have a theory about men and cats. Men who are good with cats are good with women. Why? Think about it. Anyways, Vesper was her name. She was attached to his hip. He had her for almost 5 years before I came along until she passed away. It was a really rough few weeks around the house, I was pregnant and Jocelyn was devastated. Some time has gone by, almost a year and I came across this perfect little Bengal. His description mentioned him being good with kids and he is a different color than Vesper was.

    I surprised Jocelyn not knowing if he would be into it but low and behold a snuggly kitten is not a tough sell. They are getting to know each other and we are sticking to the name Lazlo. With a house full of ladies, me, Lila, Thelma and Louise (fish), Jocelyn can now feel a little bit of dude comradery. Here's our first couple days with the little guy. 

  • The Recent Influx of Suspended Accounts // What are we going to do about it?

    The Recent Influx of Suspended Accounts // What are we going to do about it?
    An update on our demonstration at the IG headquarters. The recent suspension of these countless harmless accounts has gotten me so angry. Yes, there are bigger issues in the world. Yes, there are more important causes to write about. But. At the end of the day, this is my community. This is where I can find some solace at the end of a rough teething day. This is where I share milestones and my journey through motherhood. This is important to me. 
    I'll be peacefully demonstrating outside of IG headquarters in hopes of a policy change, I will use IG Mamas as my identity. I'll be there with whoever wants to join, they are located in Menlo Park, CA. I'll be taping up posters of the reported photos minus the baby butts and bare chests. I'd feel funny printing up huge images of other people's children so instead they will be women breast feeding. I hope the photos will open the larger discussion to stop sexualizing our children.  I by NO MEANS am asking to post child nudity. Photos are being flagged and show no more skin than a diaper advertisement. These accounts are being deleted due to unfair policing. Instagram has over 200 million users which means they have a huge responsibility. 

    At the very least, take a closer look at these reported accounts BEFORE you delete them. Users, a computer, or algorithms shouldn't be responsible for policing your network. That is YOUR job. Some of us, if not most of us, are using this platform as a way to feel not so alone. These accounts are blindly shut down and it's not fair to us. It is intolerance in the name of tolerance. It is also bullying. 

    You're not only playing into the war on women, but you're helping aid the creation of an entirely new playing field- a virtual one- a battle field which has more power than previous generations have ever been subjected to. We're trying to move forward, not backwards.

    Below are only a few examples of suspended accounts: 

    #bringbackcissylala
    #bringbackyanpalmer
    #bringbackcourtneybabyccino
    #bringbackhelloamerikaw
    #bringbackthegraygang
    #saveheatherbays
    #bringbackashleybrookeclowes
    #bringbacknamastetiff
    #bringbackthegirlsfort
    #bringbackphoenixjamie
    #bringbackjulsgarces
    #bringbackphoenixjamie
    #bringbacktissespieces

    Please sign the petition to change censorship guidelines. 

    Thank you,
    The Mamas of IG
  • Polaroids

    We shot some Polaroid photos last week with Carl Mahoney. Take a gander: 

    From Left to Right: Louise (the fish), Amanda, Thelma (the cat) and Jocelyn

  • Paris

    April was full of many firsts. First time eating solids, first time sitting up and first trip to Paris. I've been running all over the place with Lila and enjoying every second of it. Lila met her French grandmother and her whole French family. She's a good little traveler but definetly had some jet lag issues. We strolled all over the city, rediscovering old favorites and discovering new ones. 

     

    I'm excited to make travel a big part of her life. Engraining in her the wide-eyed urge to explore every nook and cranny.

    {Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.}    -    Mary Ritter Beard

    On another note, I get to share the same last name as my baby daddy and baby. How'd it go down you ask? On our favorite bridge in Paris, the Pont Neuf. The oldest standing bridge, and the bridge of memories. Honestly, Lila is more binding than any piece of paper, ring or state recognition but why not? We're in love and we are starting our family. 

    Here's a glimpse into our trip. 

    I'm in love with Paris street art but the artist that always catches my eye is Fred Le Chevalier. I'm obsessed. Check him out. 

    We are happy to be back home with our family and friends (and bed). We leave for Tuscany June 15th. Keep movin, learning and living life to the ultimate fullest. 

    xo

  • 0526ce35bafb46ca-Picture26.png

    I'll be honest. Nudity has never been a problem for me.  After becoming a mother, my boobs are literally always out. Nice restuaraunts, parks, coffee shops - wherever my baby is hungry my boobs will join the party without hesitation. I'm proud of excusivley breastfeeding my baby for nearly seven months and I plan to continue the journey. Go boobs.

    What does breastmilk really mean? Watch the trailer here

  • The Journey So Far

    Reposted from a guestblog post for an awesome blog, These Parents, go check it out!

    I moved to San Francisco after a long weed induced haze at SMC community college. I said I’d never go to art school. I went to art school. I met Jocelyn my first year in SF, he was charming and treated me like a queen. We ended up on a cooking show together, we played footsie under the table and never looked back. We’re twelve years apart. I’m 24 and Jocelyn is 36. We follow the magic rule, divide his age by 2 and add 7ish. His mother is French and his father Bengali, we speak French and English in our house and plan to raise Lila bilingually.

    We spent two years traveling the world together, something we had enjoyed doing alone until we met each other. I found comfort in being able to share my experiences with him, he was a little bit older and knew how to read a map. He never judged me, he loves me for who I am. Every piece of me from my deep scars down to that sad excuse for a tattoo on my left hip. This is the most important piece to our story.

    I’m one of the few of my friends who had never fallen pregnant before. I’d been to an abortion clinic to accompany a friend to figure out her teen pregnancy issue, I’d seen how painful the ordeal can be yet I still never took birth control. I’d made plenty of bad decisions but I never had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. I didn’t think I could get pregnant. I got pregnant.

    Thank you Tulum, Mexico for our magical daughter. The Yucatan is known as an energy vortex. It has a strong electromagnetic field that was caused by a meteorite hitting the Yucatan Peninsula about 65 million years ago, and is associated with causing extinction of the dinosaurs. Unbeknownst to us, we traveled through Mexico and Cuba while our baby began to nestle herself into my heart shaped uterus. I never felt sick but my breasts felt tender, I knew something was up once we were back in San Francisco. Sure enough, it was me and my best friend at the free clinic down the street accompanied by a faint plus sign. I loved Jocelyn, my family and friends supported me in whatever decision I was going to make and I put all “what ifs” aside. I said I’d never have children. I had Lila.

    I never had the pregnancy glow, I gained 60 pounds and was not a happy camper. I prayed for Lila to come at 37 weeks, I couldn’t stand being pregnant for any longer than I had to. Lila came the day I turned 37 weeks. We planned for a natural home birth with our midwife. We didn’t have a natural home birth with our midwife. My water broke and Lila was breech. UCSF tried to deliver her until she plopped her little foot down, I was wheeled into a c-section. I have a heart shaped uterus, leaving Lila little room to turn herself around. My scar isn’t that bad and the poetry of the situation is worth the forever horizontal line above my girlie parts.

    The moment she was born I became a different me. I became us and we are forever changed. Everything has come pretty easily, I’m a baby-wearing-breast-feeding obsessed mama. Jocelyn is such a great father and Lila is such a great teacher. We’re all learning how to read this new map she’s created for us and I truly can not wait to discover each new magical place she takes us to. Lila will be 6 months on April 14th, it’s so redundant but time truly does fly. Our journey is just beginning and I know it will be a wild ride but I’ve got the best partner by my side. Things never end up how you think they’re going to. We’ll be traveling to Paris in two weeks and I’m so looking forward to sharing as much of the world with my daughter as we can.

  • Motherhood + Sexy

    It's taken me a few months to get sexy back and let's be real, my size 26 American Apparel hot pants aren't agreeing with me anytime soon. One could argue that without said pants one would have to work a bit harder to find that edge. My c-section scar begs to differ. 

    Despite my new figure and fresh scars, I can truly say I feel like a babe again. My boobs a tad plumper and my hips a bit wider, I'm more woman than I've ever been.  My body has baked up a little human and I couldn't be any more impressed with it.

    Sure, I generally have felt good in my own skin but there are inevitable bouts of body image issues and self critiquing battles. For a society where, for the most part, women hate how they look even at their best, it's tough to imagine bouncing back from a 40+ weight gain. Mother and Sexy are two words that need to hang out more often because motherhood looks good on a woman. 

    I've started taking nude pictures of myself again which is something I thought I could not imagine doing that first day home from the hospital. Puffy eyes, milk drenched t-shirts and postpartum belly flab didn't have me feeling like my old self proclaimed Instagram nudist self.  But, there comes a day when the old you starts to rear her nudie-selfie-taking-head out from under those soggy bras and your wardrobe feels brand new.

    It takes time to figure out that it's okay to take an hour for your nails, your baby will not fall apart without you. You feel selfish at first but I think a happy mama equals a happy baby. My amorous impulses have come back and it feels good. It's important for Lila to feel the love in the house, I think sexy is healthy.

    Feeling sexy is all about confidence and taking care of yourself. I have never felt so confident as I do now and my health coincides with my baby's health. So basically, go slip into your slinkiest dress and tiniest undergarments. It's good for the baby.

  • Mondays and Wednesdays

    My legs are prickly. My eyebrows grown in.  My career has taken unexpected turns. My drawers are a mess. My thighs aren't as thin. My hair is unbrushed. My laundry is piling up. And I have bags under my eyes. 

    When I chose to be a mama I chose selflessness. Lila floated down and nestled herself in my belly, hoping I would make the right decision. It all was so unexpected, I struggled a lot not knowing what would be best for my future.  I called everyone I trusted and received a lot of mixed responses, it was really confusing at first. Everything was me, me, me.  My love for Jocelyn propelled me into what is now a life I couldn't imagine any differently. 

    I get two days to myself. Mondays and Wednesdays. Two days dedicated to getting back in shape, working on new projects and taking care of myself. The funny thing is, all I think about is Lila. I'm worried she's cold or hungry.  Logic tells me she's with Jocelyn and all is okay but I just can't shake the feeling that she might need an extra layer or maybe her diaper has been wet a second too long. The list is endless.

    I've changed. 100% of me is dedicated to this little person. My lack of sleep or unshaven legs can wait. I can't wait to get home and tend to this sweet little soul. She's mine. I feed her with body. My energy is her nutrients. She's part of me forever.  She was meant to be mine and I couldn't be any more proud. I'm thankful for this change. I'm excited for the greatest adventure ahead, prickly legs, baggy eyes and all.

    Sidenotes: We just received Lila's passport and our tickets to Paris, also Lila peed on me while I was trying to take naked pictures with her... twice

  • Welcome To Our Nook

    I thought this would be a good idea. This blog thing. I'm not sure where to start but I have an idea of where I could be headed. 

    Lets start here. 

       This is Lila.                                                      This is me.

                                                          This is Jocelyn and Me.

                                                  

                                        I met Jocelyn 5 years ago. I was 19 and insane.

                                

     We were friends. The kind that made dinner dates every few months and exchanged kisses and ideas.  We ended up on a cooking show together and never looked back.

       We fell in love here.

     and made a baby here. 

    and bam, my life completely changed.

    I'm inviting you on my journey, introducing you to new friends and old friends. Sharing my  expierience as a young sf mama. 

  • Noblecarriage Feature

    We answered a few questions over at: Noble Carriage

    Check out the rest of the photos and some words on livin' green. xo