Blog // Vlog

Baby and Mama

  • Feature @ Noblecarriage

    Check out our feature over at: Noble Carriage

    And more photos + words on clean n' green livin. 

  • filming in the redwoods

    We spent a few hours hanging out in the Redwood Regional Park in Oakland and made this for our friends over at Sapling Child

     

  • into the rosy atmosphere

    Cocorosie and I have a pretty synchornized relationship. This album came out when I was pregnant. The lullabies combined with the operatic arias with children's windup toys and broken instruments was just the right sound for my ears. This whole album is a dreamy and hopeful lullaby for those who care to join into the shift, a new sensibility of how things aught to be...

     

    Wet is my whistle
    Wandering wayward
    Trouser is caught in a thorny bramble
    Sun soon be slipping
    Down spine of the meadow
    Swamp candle flower
    A watery fellow
    The monarch's my right hand
    Left is the sparrow
    Twilight blue my bone and marrow
    The river's path is old and narrow
    First evening star
    To comfort the scarecrow

    Pull me up by the roots of my hair
    Into the rosy atmosphere
    Pull me up by the roots of my hair
    Into the rosy atmosphere

    Marveling over dead branches
    Wind in the grasses
    Marveling over dead branches
    Wind in the grasses
    Marveling over dead branches
    Wind in the grasses
    Marveling over dead branches
    Wind in the grasses

    Pull me up by the roots of my hair
    Into the rosy atmosphere
    Pull me up by the roots of my hair
    Into the rosy atmosphere...

    Marveling over dead branches
    Marveling over dead branches
    Into the rosy atmosphere
    Into the rosy atmosphere

  • Lila Lune's Birthstory

    Lila is one today so I thought I'd get my birthstory out in words.

    In February 2013 I found out I was pregnant, we had just arrived home from Cuba. Jocelyn and I were semi-living together in Oakland but I still held onto my San Francisco place, renting it out via Airbnb. On October 13, 2013 I finished moving myself out of my bachelorette pad. At 37 weeks pregnant exactly, I walked up and down those 40 steep stairs carrying bags filled with souvenirs from my past.  After saying bye to my little lonely nook on the hill I joined my friends for a BBQ. The entire time I complained, I made sure everyone knew I was exactly 37 weeks pregnant and Lila could come at any time. I talked to my huge belly, telling her to please please relieve me of this discomfort as soon as possible.  I couldn't see my feet anymore and the nights were unbearable,  I resorted to sleeping sitting up.  Pregnancy did not look good on me. I literally gained 60 pounds and had weird rashes all over my body. Although I planned a home birth we were scheduled for a doctors appointment the next day. Lila was breech and we were going to talk about my choices for her birth which likely wouldn't include me at home. I continued to burn the moxa sticks and practice my inversions in hopes that she would turn before our appointment.  We would have likely scheduled a c-section at 39 weeks and I was afraid my baby wouldn't be able to come on her own terms. I didn't want her to feel intruded on. Fortunately, that night when I arrived home from the BBQ Jocelyn asked me if I wanted to go out to eat and I opted for take out, glad I did.

    With a mouth full of Chinese food, at around 8pm I felt a pop. My brother in law was sitting at the table with us. I think he was horrified. A waterfall followed me wherever I went.  We called my midwife, Amrit, as I stood in the shower crying. She said we had to go to the hospital. I wasn't crying in fear of my birth or the obvious unknown but instead because I knew I'd be having this baby at the hospital. She still wasn't head down and Amrit didn't want to perform a breech home birth since this would be my first baby. I didn't have a hospital bag ready, I scurried around grabbing things I knew would make me feel comfortable. I slipped in my water all over the hardwood floors. THUD. I slipped and hurt my knee pretty badly. Jocelyn helped me up and insisted we just get going, he didn't think I needed mascara or moisturizer as much as I thought I did. 

    We drove across the Bay Bridge to UCSF. My contractions started as soon as we got in the car. They were waves of intense back pain. "Jos, we need to get there, seriously." I'd squeeze my eyes tight and clench my teeth in pain. My body was starting to work. Lila had answered my pleas to come at 37 weeks and here we were. The pain would pass and the urgency of needing to get to the hospital would go away. I was so afraid of being cut open it was all I could think about. I had planned for a natural home birth and had prepared myself completely. I'd never been through surgery and the idea of a knife to my abdomen was horrifying. 

    At around 9:00pm we got to UCSF, the waterfall between my legs still going strong, I wobbled through elevators clutching onto Jocelyn as each contraction hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so uncomfortable under those bright florescent lights. I wasn't ready for this. I used the bathroom and there was toilet paper all over the floor and a huge yellow caution wet floor cone. I wanted to be home, in my bathroom, under my lights and I hated that yellow cone. Amrit was there, waiting for us with a huge smile on her face. The nurses checked me, I had dilated to 5 cm within an hour of my water breaking and was well on my way to 6. My labor was coming on fast. I started to feel a huge weight drop. I knew she was coming. The nurses had to give me Terbutaline to slow my labor entirely. The docs congregated and agreed we would try for a breech birth. UCSF is one of the only hospitals in the country to regularly perform them. I was so relieved. I was thankful to be able to feel my contractions and to know my baby was coming on her own terms. She would choose her birthday.

    We had to prepare for an emergency c-section if it came to that so I was given an epidural. I hated the feeling. My legs went limp and I felt cold. I could still feel the contractions in the left side of my back, a part of me wanted to feel them fully. Jocelyn and I sat there, unable to sleep. We waited for Lila to fight through the Terbutaline and make it to the birth canal. At about 4am The nurse came in and felt Lila's little toes. The docs came into the room and told us the baby's foot had dropped down and it would be impossible to perform a vaginal birth as she was now a footling breech. We were headed to the OR. I was terrified.  Jocelyn waited outside until I was prepped. It was taking forever. The epidural still wasn't kicking in on my left side. The doc would run the blade over my abdomen asking if I felt anything. YES! I begged them to just put me to sleep, I was terrified I would feel something. The medicine wasn't making it to my nerves, it took over an hour to position the needle until I was completely numb. Jocelyn was scrubbed up and by my side once we started. I felt them tugging and pulling, it felt like forever. Jocelyn peeked over the curtain, "Don't look!" I was afraid he would never be able to look at me the same way. She was out! "Is she okay? What does she look like? Why isn't she crying!?" And bam! At 5:15am I heard my baby's cries for the first time. All of the discomfort went away, I just wanted my baby. She was all bundled up and Jocelyn laid her on my chest.  I didn't want to let go, there she was my perfect baby. When a baby is born via c-section they have to take them away to the NICU to check vitals etc. I wanted Jocelyn to go with her and Amrit to make sure she didn't have a bath or any sort of petroleum jelly in her eyes. 
    They had to sew me up. They counted their tools, making sure not to leave any inside of me. My doula sat with me while Jocelyn and Amrit were with Lila. And BAM she hit the floor. Yes, my doula fainted in the OR room. I think I was a pretty good sport about it, despite being terrified. I was finally wheeled back into the recovery room where Lila was waiting for me. Amrit wasted no time and promptly placed her on my breast and just as quickly Lila latched on and snuggled right up to me. It was at that moment I became a mother. The oxytocin flowed through my veins and that rush kept me wide awake for the next two days, all I wanted to do was feed my baby. I've never felt so close to my primal instincts.

    After Delivery


    We stayed in the hospital for 7 days! Lila ended up under the blue lights on account of a mild case of Jaundice. I stayed with her, breast feeding throughout the night and dreaming of what it would be like to snuggle her up in our bed. The c-section recovery was rough and it made holding Lila very difficult. I was frustrated. I couldn't pick my baby up without the aches and pains of my stitched up abdomen. The first time you get up to walk is the hardest but the most important.  
    The time finally came to take her home. After hours of baby-gazing and getting to know each other the time had finally come! All of the fear melted away and it felt as though I'd just received the most precious gift.  I learn more and more about you everyday my sweet baby. I love you. 

  • Stay At Home Working Mom - Impossible?

    I used to cringe at the thought of being a stay at home mom. I'd probably swear up and down you would never find me in a kitchen, barefoot and with a baby on my hip. I like to stay very busy while making tiny waves in my field. I love the feeling of finishing a project and working with a team. Outside of my kitchen of course. Where am I? In my kitchen, barefoot with my baby on my hip.

    Working from home was a lot easier until Lila started to crawl. The immobility thing was really working out in my favor. She was an amazing newborn, she'd eat, sleep, poop and sleep some more. Working from home wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. That was until she started crawling. She's so fast, I'll turn my head for one second and before you know it her little finger will be exploring the nearest plug outlet. At the end of the day, I'm so thankful to be able to stay home with my baby and witness all of her firsts and I'll continue to stay home with her until she goes to school.

    I was raised by nannies while my parents worked and although they were able to create a very cushy life for us - I will admit - I missed my mama being around and I don't think I would have gotten into half the trouble I did if I had a stay at home parent. That being said, am I still working? Yes. Is it nearly impossible? Yes. Am I in the process of hiring a nanny? Yes.

    I can't see myself settling into this barefoot and in the kitchen gig for too long and I think I'll be happier being able to still work on projects while having a hand around the house. I'll be home while Lila and said nanny hang out for a few hours. And I'll continue building a resume to fall back on when Lila starts school. This whole adventure keeps evolving and as much as I'd like to stop time and keep my baby tiny for as long as possible, I'm so curious about our future. 

  • The Recent Influx of Suspended Accounts // What are we going to do about it?

    The Recent Influx of Suspended Accounts // What are we going to do about it?
    An update on our demonstration at the IG headquarters. The recent suspension of these countless harmless accounts has gotten me so angry. Yes, there are bigger issues in the world. Yes, there are more important causes to write about. But. At the end of the day, this is my community. This is where I can find some solace at the end of a rough teething day. This is where I share milestones and my journey through motherhood. This is important to me. 
    I'll be peacefully demonstrating outside of IG headquarters in hopes of a policy change, I will use IG Mamas as my identity. I'll be there with whoever wants to join, they are located in Menlo Park, CA. I'll be taping up posters of the reported photos minus the baby butts and bare chests. I'd feel funny printing up huge images of other people's children so instead they will be women breast feeding. I hope the photos will open the larger discussion to stop sexualizing our children.  I by NO MEANS am asking to post child nudity. Photos are being flagged and show no more skin than a diaper advertisement. These accounts are being deleted due to unfair policing. Instagram has over 200 million users which means they have a huge responsibility. 

    At the very least, take a closer look at these reported accounts BEFORE you delete them. Users, a computer, or algorithms shouldn't be responsible for policing your network. That is YOUR job. Some of us, if not most of us, are using this platform as a way to feel not so alone. These accounts are blindly shut down and it's not fair to us. It is intolerance in the name of tolerance. It is also bullying. 

    You're not only playing into the war on women, but you're helping aid the creation of an entirely new playing field- a virtual one- a battle field which has more power than previous generations have ever been subjected to. We're trying to move forward, not backwards.

    Below are only a few examples of suspended accounts: 

    #bringbackcissylala
    #bringbackyanpalmer
    #bringbackcourtneybabyccino
    #bringbackhelloamerikaw
    #bringbackthegraygang
    #saveheatherbays
    #bringbackashleybrookeclowes
    #bringbacknamastetiff
    #bringbackthegirlsfort
    #bringbackphoenixjamie
    #bringbackjulsgarces
    #bringbackphoenixjamie
    #bringbacktissespieces

    Please sign the petition to change censorship guidelines. 

    Thank you,
    The Mamas of IG
  • Polaroids

    We shot some Polaroid photos last week with Carl Mahoney. Take a gander: 

    From Left to Right: Louise (the fish), Amanda, Thelma (the cat) and Jocelyn

  • Paris

    April was full of many firsts. First time eating solids, first time sitting up and first trip to Paris. I've been running all over the place with Lila and enjoying every second of it. Lila met her French grandmother and her whole French family. She's a good little traveler but definetly had some jet lag issues. We strolled all over the city, rediscovering old favorites and discovering new ones. 

     

    I'm excited to make travel a big part of her life. Engraining in her the wide-eyed urge to explore every nook and cranny.

    {Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.}    -    Mary Ritter Beard

    On another note, I get to share the same last name as my baby daddy and baby. How'd it go down you ask? On our favorite bridge in Paris, the Pont Neuf. The oldest standing bridge, and the bridge of memories. Honestly, Lila is more binding than any piece of paper, ring or state recognition but why not? We're in love and we are starting our family. 

    Here's a glimpse into our trip. 

    I'm in love with Paris street art but the artist that always catches my eye is Fred Le Chevalier. I'm obsessed. Check him out. 

    We are happy to be back home with our family and friends (and bed). We leave for Tuscany June 15th. Keep movin, learning and living life to the ultimate fullest. 

    xo

  • 0526ce35bafb46ca-Picture26.png

    I'll be honest. Nudity has never been a problem for me.  After becoming a mother, my boobs are literally always out. Nice restuaraunts, parks, coffee shops - wherever my baby is hungry my boobs will join the party without hesitation. I'm proud of excusivley breastfeeding my baby for nearly seven months and I plan to continue the journey. Go boobs.

    What does breastmilk really mean? Watch the trailer here

  • Mondays and Wednesdays

    My legs are prickly. My eyebrows grown in.  My career has taken unexpected turns. My drawers are a mess. My thighs aren't as thin. My hair is unbrushed. My laundry is piling up. And I have bags under my eyes. 

    When I chose to be a mama I chose selflessness. Lila floated down and nestled herself in my belly, hoping I would make the right decision. It all was so unexpected, I struggled a lot not knowing what would be best for my future.  I called everyone I trusted and received a lot of mixed responses, it was really confusing at first. Everything was me, me, me.  My love for Jocelyn propelled me into what is now a life I couldn't imagine any differently. 

    I get two days to myself. Mondays and Wednesdays. Two days dedicated to getting back in shape, working on new projects and taking care of myself. The funny thing is, all I think about is Lila. I'm worried she's cold or hungry.  Logic tells me she's with Jocelyn and all is okay but I just can't shake the feeling that she might need an extra layer or maybe her diaper has been wet a second too long. The list is endless.

    I've changed. 100% of me is dedicated to this little person. My lack of sleep or unshaven legs can wait. I can't wait to get home and tend to this sweet little soul. She's mine. I feed her with body. My energy is her nutrients. She's part of me forever.  She was meant to be mine and I couldn't be any more proud. I'm thankful for this change. I'm excited for the greatest adventure ahead, prickly legs, baggy eyes and all.

    Sidenotes: We just received Lila's passport and our tickets to Paris, also Lila peed on me while I was trying to take naked pictures with her... twice